What have I gotten myself into?!
My first exposure to porn was when I was about 13 years old, a young man invited my friends and I to his home to watch a movie. Little did I know that it was porn, I was not ready for what came on the screen – wanted to get out of there as fast as I could but the door was shut and was forced into watching it. I sat there and filled my mind with this strange thing that looked abnormal. I hated myself. I hated women for allowing this to be done to them, but I was also curious. Months later I found a stash of xxx magazines in my cousins bedroom (he didn’t do a good job in hiding them). This continued for sometime as I visited my cousin’s place.
Finally got over it when I came to Christ at age 19 – and lived a normal life,though I would still lust after women I did not turn to porn.
Fast forward, 3 years later I went to study theology at a Seminary. Theology became my life and anyone who believed the wrong kind of theology faced my wrath. A friend on Facebook commented on a status of a false prophet, and I clicked on the status to see what he wrote but I stumbled into something else.
Someone had posted on link on the comment section with a sex story, my curiosity got the better of me so I clicked on the link. it didn’t contain explicit images but aspace I through the sex stories my mind starting all those images that I had seen when I was young. For a couple of days I struggled in my thoughts till I eventually starting searching for porn. Started with softer images but it grew into even more explicit images, it was like opening Pandora’s box.
At that time I was appointed as a youth pastor, and the shame of having seen those images would overwhelm that I would make an excuse not to minister to the youth. I hated looking at the girls as sex objects rather than God’s image bearers. I hated my life.
Two years later I’m still struggling with it. I’ve believed the lie that porn tells me every time, that I will find fulfillment but still find misery everytime I engaged in it. I started masturbating too. I want to stop this with all my heart. I would stop for sometime but would find myself back when anxiety strikes. I hate where I am. I don’t want it to affect my marriage in the future – my girlfriend is such a sweet godly girl. I don’t want her to go through the pain of a husband who is emotionally detached and addicted to something that is unrealistic. Please help!