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Porn Addiction Confessions and Stories

The Exchange

Posted on April 2nd, 2018 in Men Confessions

I work from home and access to porn is easy for me. I have always enjoyed porn – from sneaking dad’d Playboys when I was a kid, to the dirty movies on Showtime, to ordering VCR tapes. It has been a constant in my life. For the past year my use has gone up dramatically. When I am stressed out or want to avoid facing issues at work I started using porn as a way to disconnected from reality – chase a high – get relief from the boredom. But it is bringing me down more and more. I know I am addicted because I have allowed it to affect my work – my earnings are down – I have allowed it to affect relationships – I have skipped meetings or avoided phone calls to “do porn”. At times I have had contempt for my wife because she wasn’t like the girl online. I am aware of all these things – its not a secret to me. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and I am aware of the signs of addiction and what it takes to recover and yet I continue to say … just one more time. For the past year I have now started to masturbate on my webcam to strangers on sites like Omegle. If my wife ever caught me I know it would be the end of our relationship and yet it hasn’t stopped me. i have even done it late at night in my office when she is asleep in the next room. Sometime I do this for 60 – 90 minutes waiting for a female to stop and watch me. I am drawn by the ease of a sexual experience without any connection. And I know my relationship has suffered because I am forgetting what it takes to connect to my wife. I sometimes think about wanting our sex to be as “easy” as the webcam interaction. But I know how dumb this all is because it’s the connection that IS the satisfaction. Every time I finish an online session I feel a second or two of pleasure and then I am awash in guilt and shame and I tell myself this is stupid and I need to stop. I know I am only digging myself in deeper, but yet I haven’t changed. Maybe now I am ready to stop. In Church they talked about John 5:6 … “do you want to be healed” and it struck me – maybe I wasn’t changing because I was “used to it all” and didn’t know what life without it would be so I continued to suffer. Part of my recovery will be to decide and know what a life without porn looks like – what I will do instead – what I get back. I need to realize I am not “giving it up” I am exchanging it for something better … better relationship with my wife of 20 years (whom I love and she is gorgeous and fit and we have great sex) … better relationship with my kids (I know that giving it up will allow me to be more present as any internet addiction causes people to disconnect) … better results with work (money isn’t everything but it pays the bills and reduces stress when its in the bank). I have created a mess, but its fixable … to have success … I will focus on what I am getting back as i stop using porn. Thank you for this opportunity. This last part was a revelation to me. I hadn’t thought about it in these terms before – the exchange for something better, but as I wrote this down it just came out of me. I feel a sense of relief about this now instead of anxiety. My hope is to be successful myself and that someone else can read this and positively benefit too.

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