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Porn Addiction Confessions and Stories

I was a Spiritualist, a Cutter, a Bisexual Porn Addict, and Free Spirit who sought refuge in Marriage, Motherhood……..Until Jesus Introduced Himself to Me!

Posted on December 9th, 2016 in Women Confessions

Hi, I am 33 years old. I was raised in the Unitarian Church, and growing up, church was more about fellowship than it was about worshiping God. It was really more of a social club. Sure, we sang hymns and learned about morals, but it was about us and the unity we had with one another. Every first Sunday of the month, we had our potluck dinner, which was always my favorite Sunday. As I grew though, I began to really hunger for something more. So one Sunday I asked my Sunday school teacher, “What does our church believe?” Her response? “Whatever we choose to believe.” To this day, I still get chills recalling that memory. It was the first time that I felt completely and utterly empty. What on earth was the reason for even coming to church then?! I knew of God as my creator and my mom had told me that He loved us very much. She had even shared with me who Jesus was and the story of His crucifixion and resurrection. But, who was this Jesus that everyone made such a fuss about in every other church but my own?

As I was turning 15, I was invited to a summer Christian camp, and I was overwhelmed! I learned so much about Jesus that I just wanted to cry! Could Jesus REALLY want to be my friend and was He really the only way to heaven? If so, how could my church keep such wonderful (and important) news from me?! When I got home from camp, and returned to church, I got my answer as I privately requested communion. My Sunday school teacher literally responded as if I’d asked to have a se’ance! I was quite devastated to be honest. My mom and I finally accepted the fact that they would never be interested in discussing the bible, Jesus, or God’s true plan of salvation. And so we left that church and started visiting Christian churches. I must say, I was astounded by the huge difference in the message! It was ALL about Jesus!!

Over the years, I’d confessed my sins and asked God to forgive me, but without being raised with Christian doctrine, I fell away from God. By senior year, I had fallen into a deep depression and distanced myself from my mother and those who had stabbed me in the back. So I only connected with my close friends of whom I had either emotional or physical attachments. (I had become sexually active at 16.) I began cutting myself to mask my emotional pain and release my screams silently without worrying my mom or any of my teachers. It was the only control I had left of which I could still hide behind. Occult interests had formed during high school, starting with astrology and dream interpreting until I ultimately made a religion out of it. Pornography had entered the picture early on as a preteen but didn’t enter the picture again until browsing through a variety of magazines in my art class. They weren’t dirty, but some of the articles and pictures were designed for older readers than my 17-year old eyes needed to see. I soon ended up viewing hard-core porn with guys I knew.

After high school, I went from bad to worse. I spent nights drinking wine and whiskey with my friends, as well as other guys. I started up playing spiritual games once again, and ended up talking one of my guy friends into buying a Ouija board to keep at his house. I wouldn’t dare keep it in my mom’s home! On the first night playing, I invited a spirit to follow me back home. Soon after, I was in a minor car accident with him and my friends who were with us. Looking back, I honestly can see God’s hand in that, because it took a lot of desire for me to get back into a car with that guy. His house is where I would play on the Ouija.

I was always looking for acceptance and empowerment, but always in the wrong places. I had become promiscuous by using my body to get what I wanted and to become noticed. I really believed if someone found me sexually attractive and desired me physically, that would fulfill my need to feel loved. I was so insecure that I needed to be idolized by others in order to feel empowered. I had even considered working in a strip club as long as I didn’t have to be on stage. I always thought I could get around things easily without COMPLETELY exposing myself. But even my porn addiction had begun to evolve. For 3 months, I modeled for an internet site. It had been created by a 40-year old man that I’d worked with. I was so drawn to the glamour that I jumped at the chance to be noticed! Some of the pictures really were beautiful, but that wasn’t enough. I wanted the same attention those girls in those magazines got from their viewers, so I voluntarily began posing in little to no clothing at all, at only 18 years old. The pictures became very obscene within the first night! I even modeled with other girls in the pictures with me. I was a latent/exploratory bisexual, and I had been since I was young. I didn’t realize what was going on at first, however. So yes, I did occasionally flirt with women. Later, it would go beyond just flirting. I certainly wasn’t picky about who gave me attention….or who I gave attention to. I was quite adamant about embracing my sexuality. In truth though, I was suffering from a number of sexual addictions, although at the time, I felt that I was just being a free spirit. I have heard that sexual abuse can result in these issues, but I honestly don’t know if that’s my case or not. I can’t blame it on that. Praise God!! Because had He not intervened when He did, who knows where that path may have lead me. The man who’d been photographing me ended up getting arrested one night while some of the girls and I were there. He had written a number of bad checks which had caught up with him, and spent the next 2 years in prison. I wrote to him a couple times and heard back each time. However, I was going through withdrawals. For 3 months I had been modeling for pictures in some form or another, and LOVED it! Today, I’m thanking God for intervening before that “pay site” got set up! The ‘soft porn’ site was finally deleted, but my more exotic photos were sitting by his computer when he’d abandoned the apartment. I can only HOPE they were destroyed! Unfortunately, there were nude photos that other guys shot of me at a party. Needless to say, it took me years to forgive myself! Praise God!! Because even in the midst of such a sinful lifestyle, He showed me that He still loved me and wanted something better for me. I soon became overwhelmed by all I had done, that I became instantly religious! I returned to church, started reading my bible, and wanted to understand how to be a Christian. But after a short time, I simply became overwhelmed by all the rules and expectations that I could never measure up to, that I fell away again. I figured by this point, I had things figured out on my own and didn’t need God as much since I was in a more stable situation. I wanted to be forgiven and spend eternity in heaven with God, but I wanted it on my own terms instead of letting God be in charge.

I fell in love when I was 3 months shy of turning 19 and moved in with the man who is now my husband. We lived together for a while and had two children, although I was fully aware it was outside of God’s will since I was living this way unmarried. A few months after I turned 24, we did get married. Sadly, I believed that by marrying, I was no longer living in sin. After all, the only sin I thought I’d been committing anyway was sexual sin. So my marriage became my refuge. As long as I acknowledged God in prayer from time to time, church or no church, but had SOME kind of relationship with Him, I had my ticket into heaven. I was a nice person after all, and so I figured God’s loving nature would allow any sin in my life to be overlooked. Over the years, God sent some messengers to me, then one summer morning I had a very vivid dream. In my dream, a nurse informed me that I only had 24 hours left to live, and asked me in an anxious tone, “Do you KNOW the Lord?” I looked at her and as I tried to say “Yes”, I started crying…and my answer changed. “Maybe not as well as I should,” I sobbed. I immediately awakened from my slumber shaken by this revelation! “Do you know the Lord?” kept replaying in my mind over and OVER! When I made it to my couch, after many slow and heavy steps, I fell to my knees crying out to God, asking for forgiveness, and begging Him to help me stay on the right path once and for all! I realized that although I knew who Jesus was and believed He died for me, I had only accepted Him by words instead of by spiritual action. I had never truly put my trust in Him. It was like believing in a parachute to save me, but failing to put that parachute on. I believed in Jesus, but wasn’t trusting in Him to LEAD my life. I was saved on that Wednesday morning and when Sunday came, the kids and I got up, got dressed, and walked to church. I was excited but very nervous about walking in unexpected without knowing anyone there. After all, just one week prior it wasn’t in my plans to visit ANY church yet. Would they be pushy, would they ambush me with questions or overwhelm me with godly expectations? Even more, what if they knew my BACKSTORY?!
We were greeted by a middle-aged woman who’d introduced us to her small group having Sunday School. Everyone was just so friendly and accepting that I couldn’t wait to come back! I still attend that church and now we are family!

When I look back, I realize the reason I always fell away was because I thought being a Christian meant following a list of rules too hard to maintain. I figured God would either receive me for my belief in Him ALONE, or I would just NEVER be forgiven since I’d never measure up anyway. I didn’t understand it was about getting to know God and having a personal relationship with Him directly! I just had to let go of myself long enough to let HIM work on me. I am still learning and still growing in that relationship, and my church family has been a HUGE support system keeping me strong! My love for God is so much stronger than the things this world used to control me with. I have torn down those idols and replaced them with Christ! God loved me enough while I was still a sinner that He pulled me out of that pit of darkness and into His light and mercy. I didn’t deserve His grace, but He gave it to me freely. I learned that God loved me right where I was, no matter how much of a lost cause I’d believed myself to be, and the only thing He wanted was to love me in a way that nobody else ever could! I am a new creation because of Him! I still fail Him, and myself too! I’ve fallen down VERY hard at times, and He has literally had to lift me out of those dark pits I’ve slipped and fallen into again! However, my faith has grown because of those falls and God has given me every reason to stay faithful and not give up! After all, He NEVER gave up on me! God is love and love perseveres!

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