So tired of it all
Hello all, I am exhausted. I have been a practicing Christian my entire life. I have been involved in ministry for the last 15 years. I am an Air Force Pilot, and doing my masters in Worship. And I am totally hobbled by a Porn/masturbation addiction. I have been single the entire time, and most of it stems from an innate lonliness as I am adopted and still have a hole that Ive asked the Lord to fill emotionally as long as i can remember.
I am afraid. I am afraid that all of my hard work and life sacrifices will be absolutely thrown away because i cant kill this addiction. I am heart broken thinking of how this could break the heart of my future wife, and the generational curse that it will bring on my children, Lord willing, i should have them one day.
I am ashamed that I am not stronger, completely burnt out. I am currently deployed and in combat missions as a pilot, currently leading worship on base, and still totally slave to this. Its destroying my prayer life, and I am physically damaged with the 17 or so years of masturbation resulting in moderate Porn Induced ED.
While i compartmentalize this, i know that the Lord has called me to. I know that i know that. And yet i still do what i hate when sadness or depression fill me.
I am tired, burnt out, and alone.