New Life, Old Shadows
I first encountered pornography when I was in middle school. It started out as a curiosity because everyone was talking about having sex. It quickly got out of hand as I started exploring videos of different things you could do. I always made sure I was alone because the computer was in pain sight, but as years went by computers got smaller and eventually became smartphones which made it easier for me to hide and view. Fast forward to early 2013 and I had my first sexual encounter, I was 20 years old. That relationship didn’t last and it left me craving sexual encounters so I turned back to porn. Jump to August of 2013 and you get to the point in my life where I met my, now, wife. By November we started dating, but my porn addiction was still there. I kept trying to quit going to those websites, but then I would see or hear something that would trigger the thought process and before I knew it I was back on the internet. As our relationship bloomed and we started spending more time together things got a little bit and heavy and we ended up having sex for our first time. After that we ended up have sex a lot. We were only dating at the time, but we knew we were going to get married. Up to this point my wife knew that I had had sex before, but she didn’t know about my addiction to porn. She discovered it one night when I was beside her passed out from a long day at work. She took a picture of me sleeping on my phone and was going to set it as my wallpaper for fun, but she found the porn videos I had downloaded onto my phone. It hurt her so badly and I was so ashamed of it. I told her I would stop and for a while I did well by choosing to play puzzle games instead of going to a website. In the end I failed to keep my promise and was back to my old ways of surfing porn hiding it. I wasn’t hiding it very well either, I think I actually wanted to get caught again to remind me just how unclean I am. Fast forward to 2018 and we were married. It was the greatest day of my life. That being said, 2 months into our marriage she found my porn again and this time it was worse. This time she was my blushing bride and she came to me hurt and feeling inadequate because of my problem. I promised again to stop, but the shadow I stand in that is cast by the porn addiction is overpowering. I gave my life to Christ and even now I struggle to keep away from porn. I don’t know who to turn to about it either because my wife is the only other person who knows about it. I am afraid of being judged for my shortcomings and it keeps me from reaching out. But I confess that I have a porn addiction and I want to crush it and break away from it. Not just so I can feel better about myself, but for my wife and my new marriage.