I’m addicted to sex and I’m in the best worst place I can be.
Can I just say how freeing it is to finally type/say the above words out loud! I’m 35 years old; father of an amazing 2-year-old boy that I adore, and a total mess.
My story started like most of us when I was a young teenager exposed to porno mags for the first time. That led to movie porn, then to sexual relationships, then to having multiple affairs with married women, then to voyeurism, and most recently to prostitutes. I’ve managed to push every woman who has ever loved me away because of my fear of sharing the secret sins in my life. And the most recent woman was the mother of my child. We dated on and off for 4 years and I never let her in. She knew I struggled with porn and masturbation but that was it. She had no idea I struggled with voyeurism the entire relationship. The prostitutes only came into the picture the past 2 years after my son was born (which is so pathetic). Recently my ex-has moved onto another relationship and I guess it just all finally clicked that the selfish way I’ve been living has to stop! For years I’ve never believed when anyone told me they loved me because I believed that they only loved the person I allowed them to see. They didn’t truly KNOW me; the good, the bad, the ugly. I also now realize that I’ve loved her all along just never allowed my heart to feel it until now. Because it was just so much easier to push her away and not give her a chance because I was afraid of sharing my secret sins. I feared she would take my son away and hate me. I was so selfish and never had a true chance to tell her how much I love her when she actually wanted to hear it. The past week has truly felt like HELL with constant panic attacks and anxiety overthinking her with another man on top of the possibility of this other man being around my son sooner than later. All of this mess is my fault and I’m so so tired of feeling trapped, alone, and afraid of my sin. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m ready to take my life back. I no longer have 1 foot in the door and 1 foot out. God has seriously changed my heart and he’s chasing me!! So I’ve decided to chase Him back and this is one of the many steps I’m taking! I’ve exposed my sins to a counselor, I’ve changed my phone number, deactivated facebook, removed unhealthy people from my life, whatever it takes. So here I am God’s beautiful broken mess ready to finally break through this and feel FREE! Do any of us remember what that feels like? I know it’s been a very very very long time for me!! Well the time is NOW for my God, for my son, and for myself. For two lives I will live no more but one life I will live with the intensity of many.