My Husband’s Struggle Is Now Mine – and I don’t want to be alone in this.
Three months before we got married my husband confessed that he struggled with porn and had used porn because he felt things were out of control and we were long distance.
This confession still rings loudly in my ears as I hear him whisper this struggle, shamefully, and my hopes and dreams seem to melt and burn my heart. I forgive him and we worth through things as the days, weeks, and months go on.
We had not had sex before marriage and the night of our wedding, I excitedly and nervously got in bed with my husband. For whatever reason, be it a little alcohol, nerves or whatever we were not able to have sex.
This continued on again and off again and my drive for sex went up and his belief for sex “working” went down. His fear: erectile dysfunction. My fear: porn use has destroyed our intimacy.
We go back and forth with what we believe about our sex life and about sex. We’ve sought the Lord, prayed over our marriage, over sex, but we still are struggling. He went on a work trip and looked at porn. He told me only a week and a half later, but for months following I’ve struggled to trust him. When he was at work I’d go on his laptop and look at his iMessages. I felt like he was hiding things. I felt guilty for dipping into his personal computer, looking through messages from girls and conversations he’s had from the past few years. I went on his facebook and looked through old pictures and messages. I’ve stopped looking at his stuff and work every day to trust he will tell me what he needs to tell me.
Sexually we struggle. I struggle because I think I need to perform. He struggles because he can’t keep an erection and he wants to please me. We are working on our intimacy but this is the road of one who has struggled with porn.
Now I struggle. I feel alone. We’ve talked about how we can get help and that we need to share this struggle with others. I want him to experience freedom in forgiveness and I want to experience grace and redemption in our sex life.