I’m not sure where to start. I’ve prayed for years about overcoming porn and sex additcion, but nothing has changed. It’s my own lack of willingness to trust and change, but I still pray to wake up one day and feel different. I feel powerless and hopeless because things have been this way since my childhood.
I’ve been addicted to masturbation since 5 or 6, but didn’t understand what was happening. At the age of 11, I saw porn for the first time by going on an adult site while my parents were gone. From that point, my mind was consumed by it. I thought it was normal because all teenage boys thought about sex and porn, right? Simultaneously, I knew it was wrong because of hearing how women are objectified. Still, I continued.
I developed a pattern of hoarding porn and bragging about it online in forums or with my best friend when reaching college. I sought my own reality on a world that was built on a lie, but it allowed me to hide from my pain. I thought that things would be different when getting into a relationship. Sadly, it only worsened.
I got into a serious relationship in my early 20s and moved across the country to be with her. I thought that porn was not a big deal, but she did. I minimized its impact on our relationship and my life. This caused her to question everything and me to realize I was addicted to porn. Things progressed to me stepping outside of our relationship. I cheated on her multiple times with various women who were prostitutes, which she discovered accident because of a text on my phone. She questioned me, but I lied about it. She soon found out my lies and the truth was unveiled.
I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and sought help. I started going to church after not attending for several years, but nothing changed. I came to Christ in 2012, which led me to have a new conviction. I sought to be done, but nothing changed. I started cheating again, despite having a strong conviction against sex before marriage with her. I thought that doing so would corrupt her. I was deluded.
We moved to another state and the cheating ceased, but then resumed. The day after it happened, I knew it was time to end things with her. I could not put her through anything else. I broke up with her after having an argument regarding an unrelated issue. I knew my heart had to change.
This happened 5 and a half years ago. I’ve moved on from her and am in a serious relationship. I am still consumed by thoughts of porn and have been tempted to step out on her, but never did it. Every time it happens, the thought of breaking her heart consumes me. I don’t want to screw this up again because of knowing we’re supposed to be together.
I have made vows to myself and God to stop, but porn is still in my life in 2018. It’s in my life during this writing. I hate it with all of my being, but there is still a hold on me. I want it gone once and for all because nearly 25 years of addiction is more than enough time. My walk has been hindered by my choices and it is time the door closed on this chapter.
While I know that the Lord has made me knew and changed me in many ways, this area lingers. I have sought help from brothers, but then hold back due to fear of shame and judgment. I am tired of sin’s hold on my freedom. God has equipped me by sealing me with His Holy Spirit, so I know that the power to change is within me. Still, it’s been difficult to trust and follow Him.
The powerlessness is a lie from myself and the enemy. I know it. I can’t succumb any longer. I need help.