I feel like I’m in a rut
Masturbation is something I struggle with. I’ve been struggling with it for years, and for a long time I tried to justify it by saying that it was okay because I’ve never watched porn so it wasn’t sinning. But I finally couldn’t run from it anymore; regardless of what anyone else said, I know that me masturbating is wrong. I’ve tried so many times to just stop. 2016 was a better year than some; I went around 3 months without doing anything, and then when I went of to college in the fall I didn’t masturbate, because I was with a roommate and was too busy to think about anything besides sleep when I got in bed. But when I came home for thanksgiving break, I relapsed. When I got home for Christmas break, I was fine for about a week until I gave in again.
The problem isn’t even that I have a strong desire to be sexually active. At this point it’s done more out of routine than anything else. Habit. Get in bed. Close my eyes. Can’t sleep. Fight it. Give in. Night after night, it just feels like it’s my dirty little secret. It’s a habit that I want to break. I’ve tried so many things; exercising right before bed to get rid of excess energy, listening to music, not listening to music, not being on my phone right before bed. Sometimes I can fight a week. But I often give in and I’m tired of it. I wake up in the morning and the first thing my mind turns to is if I was able to resist the night before or not; if it’s a no, I feel guilty and shameful and gross and defeated. If I have, I get excited and proud, and hope I can succeed in resisting the next night as well.
I just want to be able to overcome this once and for all. I feel like it negatively affects my relationship with God, when I ask him for help but then decide that I’ll just give in one more night until I actually stop for real. I want to stop. I want to not be ashamed of myself secretly.