The day my life changed.
I have been in search of a resource for porn addiction for a while. I didn’t really didn’t think I had a problem until it seemed to be affecting my daily life. When someone mentioned anything about sex I would picture those people having sex. I would picture all the things that I correlated with sex to those people no matter how surface level the conversation was. I would picture a couple down to every last detail and I would be mortified and embarrassed for myself and them because they are my friends and not an unknown person on a screen doing those things.
Pornography started when I was very young (middle school time). For most of my adolescents one of my close cousins molested me over and over again. Any chance he got he would ask me to come with him or stay extra in the pool or hide with him during hid and seek. I of course obeyed because I was one of the little kids and we listened to our older cousins. There were some points where I thought this is terrible but it feels okay but I don’t know what that feeling is. Sometimes I felt like I was actually “enjoy” it but how could I? It all started when I was in 3rd grade so how would I know what those feels were and why he was moaning and asking me to touch him. But in my mind I was at fault for this happening. I was asking for it and I never told him not to. I never told any adult about it and then one day my mom walked in to his bedroom and saw it but I don’t remember her doing anything. I remember her being mad and my brother being mad but I don’t remember us talking about it ever. That was huge because no one protected me during that time. It happened and then it was swept under a rug (a normal behavior for my family)
Well being an adult now I know I didn’t deserve it but what came from it was a porn addiction. I wanted to understand what he was doing and why I felt what I felt so I searched after years of this happening. This began in or around 5th grade, by this time I was curious. I searched and searched and finally found a site. I was smart so that my mom wouldn’t find out to clear the browser always but I sat and watched and watched and watched. This went on and off for many years but it hadn’t happened in about a 3-4 year span then I went to college. I felt alone and porn filled that void. Now I am 27 and have gone back and forth but recently I have realized I honestly cannot do this alone anymore.
I have shared with my best friend about my addiction but not in any detail. It’s hard to explain to someone who I have had those thoughts about without trying to. I feel ashamed that I have those thoughts but I do. I need to heal and move past it all or it will destroy my life. I have been in counseling in the past but I have a wall that blocks me every time I want to share and getting past that has been one of the hardest thing.
I am starting a new journey and want to be set free from this and to do it with a community that is in the same boat as I am.