My husband hasn’t just been messing with on-line porn but going to dating sites. For me, it changes things from “fantasy” into reality. I poured into him, was faithful and stood with him and I get porn and dating sites. To me this says- I want someone else or you are not good enough. He claims he wants me and our family but frankly I believe what he has done in secret is a reflection of his true self. A self that wants to run around with prostitutes and other women and doing vile things while he is wearing a wedding ring that signifies a covenant I made with him that he has never honored. I took mine off when I found out about this latest round of lies and deceit. I realized my wedding ring signified nothing. The only covenant he has kept is with rage, anger, whores, prostitutes and porn.
I want to strike back at him for these things and to be honest I could. I have been asked to go down that road with someone else but I haven’t done it despite a terrible desire to hurt him for the awful hurt he has inflicted upon me. But, honesty and fidelity hold me back. Part of me wonders why the heck not? The other man says you are smart, talented, beautiful and I desire you…while your husband never compliments you and seems to attack your self-esteem at every turn while messing around with whores and dating sites. But, I don’t move on the invitation because I can’t be like him but my taste for revenge is getting more difficult to ignore no matter how much I pray or seek help. I think I just want to be free of the pain. My husband has issues with rage, talking down to me and a repeated pattern of these other things. How much am I supposed to take before I finally say NO and walk away? We have a child together. We have 11 years together. Do I just finally give up and say I am not enough for you so go on and have your nasty women, anger and selfishness while I find fulfillment elsewhere? A life beyond your evil and monstrous behavior? How do you like being treated like dirt? I look at this whole “addiction” deal and wonder if this is just a label to hide behind and say “I am not responsible for my adulterous behavior and I have a license now to go and do it again because I have a syndrome” and so on. I no longer love my husband as a result of these things he has been doing. In fact, I don’t even like him as a person. I am not sure there is anything left to save despite going to a counselor. The only thing I am sure about saving is myself which is truly why I am going.
I have times where I just want him out of my life. I have even prayed to God asking Him to remove him so that I am just free of him and all his many problems. He has done these things and I am the person stuck paying for it.